Finn the Wigger
by Darfur Maxx
Summary: Marceline won't let Finn see or touch her breasts anymore! Oh NOEZ! Da pot ain't good for her no mo', wigga boii! She gots new hookup wit sum GORL on the side! YOU CAN'T LOVE A LESBIAN, HETERO PIGGSHIEEEEEET!


**DISCLAIMER** : Adventure Time was created by Bob Dylan during his so called 'flowerchild' phase, around 1965-69, and should not be viewed or heard of in any manner, except for inside of gay bathhouses with an abnormally large ratio of nullo eunuch homosexual men that use their surgically rerouted urethra like vaginas for the other patrons to partake in.

* * *

 **Go to Hell, Basketball! You Sodomized my Dog in The Head With an Axe!**

Miss Giant Bleeding Bubonic Vagina floated aimlessly in space. Viewing the planet that she often drifts into in search for horny, disenchanted freaks to give rape advice to, from the serene fringes of the vacuum between the earth and its moon, she often got bored. The world was less horny than usual and the Pokémon weren't raping each others bungholes as hard, which made Miss Giant Bleeding Bubonic Vagina cry.

As she leaked her vaginal discharge of sorrow in the general direction of Uganda, Finn woke up. It was early morning and Jake was already up making pancakes downstairs. Finn got dressed and came down for breakfast. BMO was on the table dancing to the lovely bikini babe song it was playing, while Jake started serving burnt pancakes. When Finn entered the room, he smelled the all too familiar aroma of dank weed and burning pancakes. Too many burning pancakes, actually.

"Jake, why ya gotta fry so many fuggin' pancakes this morning?" said Finn.

Jake turned away from the stove to look at him, the blunt in his lips being as fine as Jake is high. "Because Lady RainiHORN needs her feeewwd, mang!" he says right before cramming the still frying pancakes in his face with his spatula, fire and all. "C'mon man, you know she's anorexic and I like 'em biiig!" he said while chugging Faygo LIKE THE DOG HE IS.

Finn smirked and started spraying down his breakfast that was on fire, because when Finn gets pissed, you get mist. "Ha, you think I'm falling for that excuse? You eat like a dump truck driven by skinned cannibal midgets bathed in battery acid, dude".

Jake snorted, "At least my mom raised me right, man, unlike you and your weird ass dreams about the Cosmic Owl being your butt on fire and liking it, or whatever".

"Your mom's fat as hell, Jake", Finn said.

"She's your mom too!" Jake said, sort of exasperated by Finn.

BMO turned to Finn as he was chewing him some burnt ass pancakes. "Good morning Finn!" it said while spinning to the music, "I have super message from the internet, by the Backstreet Boys!".

"Huh, who are the Backstreet Boys?" Finn said.

Jake squeed, "Dude I love those guys!".

BMO's screen started displaying the message, which had flying toasters in the background for some reason (it's usually pictures of Princess Bubblegum eating cats' brains instead). Jake read the fruity pink Comic Sans font message out loud, "Free San Salvadorian bitc- BEACH homes inside disclosed location at the park. Step into the magical rainbow to apply now. Don't be late." As he finished reading the message, Finn started rolling some doggy kush of his own.

"Hey, let's go meet the Backstreet Boys! In person!" Jake exclaimed as he grabbed a garbage bag full of weed, going Uguuuuuu~*~

Finn replied with the computer chip inside him streaming videos of screaming cats at full volume, as a deep voice whispers "Taste the pain!" over sounds of rusty power tools mutilating flesh and crushing bones.

Jake took this as a yes. BMO took it about as well as the Portuguese did, and flipped its Game boy-compatible shit. I heard your mom takes it like a gorilla.

Finn and Jake left out the front door, stoned off their asses and ready to beat the shit out of a boy band for their beach homes. Or make out with them inside said beach homes, 'cause Marceline sure as hell ain't. As they headed out, some liquid suddenly fell into Jake's open mouth. It tasted like wart remover, atmospheric reentry and chicken, all at the same time.

"Hey bro, what time its it?" Finn said, ready for an awesome freeze frame hi five.

"OH SHIT THIS TASTES SO GRODDAMN AWFUL!" yelled Jake right before puking Cheech and Chong's easy bake breakfast on a black man. And by black man I mean Hot Dog Princess. Jake realized what he had done, and washed her off with Juggalo Phoenix Down as Finn laughed (he doesn't dig ratchet bitches).

"Why do you munt on me so?" she said in disgust.

"So sorry mang princess, it was an accident!" Jake said, feeling guilty. "If there's some way we can make up for this-"

"Fuck this shit, it's APARTHEID TIME!" Finn screamed as he grabbed Jake and ran off towards the Candy Kingdom, since it has the only park in the world with a magical rainbow boy band beach house super party. Probably.

"Wait, don't go! You're the only ones who can stop the great dog dictator who invaded my kingdom! Oh think of the wieners!" Hot Dog Princess cried out at the canine-convoying wigger.

"Huhuhuh, she said wiener!" Jake giggled, already over his deeply rooted childhood fear of disrespecting royalty, with the power of green crack and a bad attitude bestowed upon him by Aaron Carter. These are motherfuckers who jack off five times a day!

Hot Dog Princess started to sulk as they booked it over the hills. She was now alone. She sat for a couple of moments before she felt a hand on her shoulder.

"I'll help you defeat inu taisho, Hot Dog chan" BMO said confidently.

"Really? No one ever helps me anymore, they either ignore me or eat my weenie babies", she said.

BMO smiled at her, "Yes I will!" it said.

"Oh thank you!" Hot Dog Princess said graciously, "The wiener kingdom will live! The taco is strong!"

BMO, feeling a little upstaged, started flexing as BMO's face displays a video of a fat guy failing to do pushups and humping the floor in agony to Eye of the Tiger.

"BMO STRONG!"

 **TO BE CONTINUED**


End file.
